| More fathers downsize their work
life to be with their kids
By Karen S. Peterson
Keith Lyall tries
to do with his children what his dad always did with him: "Listen first
and talk second. So many dads don't really listen to a child.
They just throw out their own opinions."
Lyall follows his father's -- and grandfather's -- advice: Appreciate that each child is unique and requires different treatment at different ages. "I can cuddle my 19-month-old and tickle him and make him laugh. It is a glimpse of heaven," says Lyall, 34, Wilkesboro, N.C. "Ben, who is 8, won't let me do that anymore, but he wants attention, too. So I can shoot baskets with Ben. And I can wrastle with him; you have to find a different activity." Everett Billingslea has an infant and a 2-year-old. He daydreams of life down the line, eager that his girls understand their dual heritage as children of an Asian-American mother and a white father. He also wants to teach them about his rural background in Soldotna, Alaska. "I want them to know the familiarity of life in a small town; about the woods, and fishing for salmon, and picking wild berries to make jelly," says Billingslea, 37, of Seattle. The teen years will bring different musings and often baffling challenges, panelists caution. When kids become teens, "the relationship changes forever," warns Thomas Massey, 42, Lakeland, Fla. "You are no longer everything in their lives. Sometimes, you are nothing." His daughters are 15 and 9. Teens are ever alert to parental behavior, Massey says. "The little suckers are watching you all the time, soaking in your ethics, your character." He recalls when Anna was 12, the family celebrated with dinner out. She put the children's menu aside to order from the regular menu. "She looked so sad. I told her she didn't really have to if she didn't want to," Massey says. "She just looked at me and said, 'But that wouldn't be honest, would it, Dad!'" A near-teen just gave another panelist a start. "My 12-year-old daughter came up to me the other day when I was sitting, tapped me on the head and said, 'Dad, you are getting a bald spot,'" says Keith Hartstein, 41, of Medfield, Mass. He did not welcome the reality check. "I have always prided myself on my full head of hair." Spending genuine time, not just "quality time," with kids is a priority for most panelists. Joseph Lewis, 34, of Suwanee, Ga., is determined to be a '90s, sensitive dad, but Lewis goes further than most. When his wife became a high-powered executive, Lewis left a six-figure job to be with his son, now 2, full time. Lewis has just begun some consulting work. He is aware that some young black men have become statistics. "My wife and I decided that it was best for him if one of us was there for him. We didn't want him in day care. I was there when he took his first steps, to see him start to form words and talk." |
Many dads have
made adjustments in their professional lives to preserve more time for
kids. Massey "made a lateral career move" to reduce his travel schedule.
Hartstein "took an administrative role, and a bit of a salary cut" to reduce
his time traveling. He has twin boys, 8, and two girls, 12 and 10.
"In this mobile society, just being there is very important."
Several of the dads do have a hard time juggling home and family. "I struggle to do three things well: to be a good husband, a good father, and do a decent job at Rockhurst College," says Frank Smist Jr., 46 of Kansas City, Mo. He is now chairman of the college's political science department. Son John is 5; another baby is due in October. But Smist steadfastly sets aside special time with John, "whether it is at the zoo, or the Royals games, or at the Shakespeare summer camp" for kids. In an era in which four of 10 new marriages will end in divorce, panelists are eager to keep their own unions intact, especially those whose parents divorced. "My parents divorced early, and my dad moved away," says Jeff Gill, 41, Westford, Mass. "Then when I went to college and got my first real job at 20, he passed away. He never got to see my success. I don't want my kids to go that route at all." In point of fact, several panelists have divorced, remarried and are stepdads. Blending families isn't always easy. Don Weber's new family has been through some readjustments since he remarried in 1996: His now 15-year-old stepdaughter left the new stepfamily to live with her biological father. But for the most part, "things are going very well," says Weber, 34, of South St. Paul, Minn. Charles Zebley Jr. will miss his daughter this Father's Day: She will be in Florida with her mom for the summer. Although the arrangement is easier than having her bounce back and forth between parents as she did earlier, "I never see her on Father's Day. You might think it doesn't make a difference -- it's just a day -- but you do miss her being here," says Zebley, 46, of Richeyville, Pa. Some panelists started the job of being a dad later than others. Brent Rumsey of Dallas will be 55, he says, when his 1-year-old learns to drive. "But I'm not really worried. I think I will have lived longer and be able to give her more of my experience," says Rumsey, 41. Ronald Raney, 42, is not worried about being an older dad with children 2 and 4. He and his wife were literally "sending adoption papers off" when his wife unexpectedly became pregnant. The girls "are the light of my life," says Raney of Shreveport, La. The two most poignant moments of his life, he says, "are the first times each one said, 'Daddy, I love you.' It chokes me up again just to talk about it." Bill Flynn has three grown children and an 11-year-old. The young one benefits greatly, he says, "by reaping the benefits of my years of experience before him," says Flynn, 51, Manassas, Va. "I may be a geezer now, but I am able to spend more time with him than I did with my other children." Along with others, Flynn is looking forward to a Father's Day gift made from the likes of Popsicle sticks. "I got a handmade card from Ryan last year that talked about the 10 top reasons why his dad is the best. I put it in my fireproof box upstairs, dated it, and when I am 90, I can look back on it." Some panelists are shy describing the love they feel for their kids; others, eloquent. Whether they can verbalize their emotions or not, most agree with Keith Lyall in Wilkesboro: "I start every day with a prayer for my wife and child. There is nothing in the whole world that you would trade them for." |